Is Anybody NOT Confused?

Ugh, today was kind of terrible. 

For the last several years, I have been some what of a troubled Christian. I have a friend who would win the "educated" and "dedicated" trophies. My mom would win the "Great Commission follwing" trophy, and plenty of others. For someone who is unsure of themselves and thinks everyone else's opinion must be better, it can really screw with your own development as a Christian when you have two role-models who don't always agree. 

On top of it, I spent 5 years in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe AT ALL. Sucks for someone who is in love with their faith. It scared me because it was so tough on me to be with him, and because some people were adamantly opposed to our dating, while others didn't seem to think it mattered. I don't know, and I don't care - I'm saved, he is out of my life, whatever. BUT, what other people thought about this boyfriend of mine affected my thoughts on my future boyfriends. 

So now I have one, and I'm not sure who's standard, exactly, he measures up to - or needs to measure up to. Today, I went a little nutso on him and was an enormously mean person because I was afraid he was telling me that he believed things that would take him out of the "approvable" category with some of my friend(s). Plus, I struggle with agreeing with myself if other people don't agree with me. Anyway it wasn't cool, but at the end of the day, the discussions resulted in each of us being closer to one another, closer to God as individuals, and closer to God as a couple. 

Which leaves me with my own problem: my own convictions. Sometimes I don't know which of my beliefs are mine and which are other people's that I've just adopted without questioning it. I have a bad habit of being a conformist, even AS a Christian, so that is like, super bad. God has a path in mind just for me, and I don't have to meet any one else's standards as a Christian, just God's. My salvation does NOT depend on what any human being things of me or my religious opinions. 

I think I need to do a combination of calming down and shaping up. 

FHL

Sundays in Texas

Last time I went to FUMC Denton, I was having a terrible attitude and I didn't really love it, which made me feel horribly guilty. This past weekend, however, I enjoyed it much more and felt like I learned about God and His Word.

Everyone is capable of adjusting: their lives, perspectives, goals... we just have to be open and prayerful (neither is worth much without the other one). 

God isn't confined to a church, and I need to remember that.

FHL

Bible Study!!!!

Wow, I am really excited! I went to Bible Study tonight and it was just amazing. 

Here is what we read:

The Transfiguration according to Matthew

So essentially, Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up on a mountain and while they are up there, Jesus is "transfigured", which basically means he was glowing. Alongside him are Moses and Elijah. There is a cloud, and God speaks from the cloud saying that He is well pleased with His son. Jesus then tells Peter, James, and John that they are not to speak of this event until after He has been raised from the dead. 

Things we talked about:

- There is a different time for each of us to come to understand certain things about God

- The accounts of the Transfiguration from Mark, Luke, and II Peter. 

- The Bible ≠ Science Textbook

- Literalness of the Bible

- Sitting with/in God's glory instead of analyzing or trying to figure it out or wanting to do something (title of coming sermon at the church: "Don't Just Do Something, Stand There!"

- Getting caught up in the mechanics instead of the worship

- Organized religion getting in the way of Christian spirituality

I feel really blessed to have been in the group tonight. It was very small (4 people) but really wonderful. It was clear that we all had hearts that belonged to Christ and were there to learn more about Him and His love for us. It felt really amazing. I really enjoyed the way that our discussion flowed (and was allowed to flow) and that we answered some general historical questions along the way. I feel like I've grown so much just from this short meeting and I am excited for the next one (in two weeks). 

I don't feel as fulfilled by sermons here in the NE as I did in Texas, but having Bible discussions like this make me feel that a sermon that is more like a launching point for thought would be okay, when the opportunity to go deeper in a small group is readily available. 

Additionally, I think I am going to start taking notes on the sermon in church. Not that sitting quietly, starring at the pastor, thinking about God and absorbing about 60% of what is said isn't awesome.....but I think the note taking would up the amount that I took away from a service. This Sunday, the sermon will be coming from back in Texas :) 

FHL

Confession

Max writes:

Perhaps we didn't take money but we've taken advantage or taken control or taken leave of our senses and then, like the thief, we've taken off. Dashing down alleys of deceit. Hiding behind buildings of work to be done or deadlines to be met. Though we try to act normal, anyone who looks closely at us can see we are on the lam: Eyes darting and hands fidgeting, we chatter nervously committed to the cover-up, we scheme and squirm, changing the topic and changing direction. We don't want anyone to know the truth, especially God.

Am I missing the mark when I say that many of us attend church on the run? Am I out of line when I say many of us spend life on the run?

Am I overstating the case when I announce, "Grace means you don't have to run anymore!" It's the truth. Grace means it's finally safe to turn ourselves in.

Confession does for the soul what preparing the land does for the field. Before the farmer sows the seed he works the acreage, removing the rocks and pulling the stumps. He knows that seed grows better if the land is prepared. Confession is the act of inviting God to walk the acreage of our heart. "There is a rock of greed over here, Father; I can't budge it. And that tree of guilt near the fence? Its roots are long and deep. And may I show you some dry soil, too crusty for seed?" God's seed grows better if the soil of the heart is cleared.

And so the Father and the Son walk the field together; digging and pulling preparing the heart for fruit. Confession invites the Father to work the soil of the soul.

Passage: 1 John 1:8-10

NIV

The Message

NLT

NCV

I don't really feel like answering the questions...perhaps I will just talk about confession? Yes.

Growing up a non-Catholic, the word "confession" can conjure up two thoughts for me. One is this very scary, awkward vision of having a priest give you a disappointed look after you tell him whatever you've done wrong. (Catholics, please forgive me. I...really have no idea about formal confession.) The other image I get is one that is full of light - a picture of myself coming to God and saying, "I'm sorry" and He smiles, assuring me that it was already forgotten. 

So, yeah, confessing is hard....and for us protestants, I think that there are good and bad points to NOT having a formal confession. Good points include: we understand that you don't have to go to a little box with a priest to be forgiven. We can ask forgiveness and feel satisfied any time, any where. We know that God forgives us without a third party. Bad points include: well, we don't practice confessing, really. We don't have that much emphasis on it...I mean, at least speaking for myself, I KNOW that I sin, and I don't pretend not to, but I certainly don't make it a point to go through all of the sinful things that I did that day and tell God about them. Partly, this is because I just don't always feel guilty, maybe I go through a really quick confession process in my head right when I realize I've sinned. I'm not sure. Anyway, I think that the more we tell God our sins, the more of a habit it becomes, and that would be a good habit. And that is basically what I think.

I'm going to pray now.... you may read it, pray on your own, or go back to facebook. :)

Dear Father, Help us to remember that you want us to talk to you about our sins. You are waiting for us to open up to you so that you can relieve us of our guilt. Please take away the things that prevent us from confessing to you: fear, shame, embarrassment, uncertainty. In your holy name I pray, Amen. 

Presbaptisterian

So I tried to explain myself in this entry without a lot of back story, but it proved ineffective. So, backstory it is...

I grew up Baptist. To me, being a Baptist means that we focus on the resurrection and not the crucifixion. We believe that when Jesus said, "it is finished" as He died on the cross, that He wasn't kidding around - that there is no work left for us to do - it is only faith. Saved by grace. If Jesus' death was NOT enough to save us in and of itself, then why did He die?? It isn't grace and behave yourself or God takes the grace away - its a pass/fail class. Believe, go to Heaven. Have faith, sins erased. God bought us flowers in the form of His Son. God bought those flowers FOR US. They are a gift. He already paid for them...and they were very expensive. We cannot pay for them. It would be insulting if we tried, because they were a gift. God is extending the flowers of salvation out to us, and they are intended for us, so all that has to be done is to accept the flowers for what they are, and say "thank you". (aka Jesus = flowers, taking them and saying thank you = believing Jesus is who he said he is and did what he said he did.) I do not believe there are conditions under which we can lose our salvation, and the gift wasn't given to us pending our behavior. Want my biblical backing? Let me know. ANYWAY so when I go to church, I want to talk about how sweet of a deal this is. I want to get into God's word and STUDY it. I want to learn more about it. So, too much mention of being a "good person" and I start to furrow my brow. Faith, people, Grace! Praise God! However I also like tradition. I'm not into things involving a drum set. Hymns. Yes. So all of that being said, I've been comfortable at (clearly) Baptist churches, Bible Churches, some Methodist churches, and now, the Presbyterian church. 

There has been a lot of various pressure placed on me from other sources (people) about how to choose a church. It got old. So, here's how I know that I am in a worshipful spirit at the Presbyterian church: when I "pass the peace", I almost cry. I almost cry because it is SO AMAZING to remind each other, and to be reminded, that WE HAVE PEACE because of Jesus Christ. A-mazing. I realized that the Baptists have "greetings", which is really the same thing - except when we look each other in the eye and shake hands, we just say "hi" and not a reminder that "hey you can sleep at night! You can rest easy! You are saved! The Lord is good so be faithful! Jesus lives!" So, yeah, now I'm a peace-passing fan. I also don't hate the organized reading or written out prayer thing. I think it would be easy to become complacent when reading a prayer off of the program, but if you choose to keep an active mind, spirit, and heart, then thinking about the written prayer can open your eyes to something you mightn't have prayed for on your own. And what is so terrible about saying "thanks be to God" after hearing the Bible read aloud? Um...its kind of awesome, actually. Now I'm not a huge fan of ritual, in fact I really can't groove with the word itself, but what makes something a ritual? I mean, to me its gotta be about where your heart is. Is your heart in it when you say the Lord's prayer with everyone else? (BTW we do this in the Baptist church, too.) Are you speaking to God when you read the prayer out of the program? Are you listening for His voice when the church-dude (um, no, I'm not all exact with my terminology...and its not always the pastor, so, whatevs) reads something and you respond? I cannot wait for my boyfriend to come to this church with me - because I really feel that an environment like the church I've been attending here could be the way that God brings us closer together as a couple, and as a Christian couple. 

Old Wounds

Max writes: 

"Do you have a hole in your heart?

Perhaps the wound is old...and you're angry.

Or perhaps the wound is fresh...and you're hurt.

Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. THe tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge.

And you are left with a decision: "Do I put the fire out of heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?

Are you allowing you hurts to turn into hates? If so, ask yourself: Is it working? Has your hatred done you any good? Has you resentment brought you any relief, any peace? Has it granted you any joy?

Allow the hurt in your heart to heal."

Passage: Matthew 18:23-35 (side note: I included several translations, and generally will include all of these, but for this passage, it is pretty straightforward so you might not need all four.)

NIV

The Message

New Living Translation

New Century Version

Max's Questions:

- Describe the struggle between releasing or resenting someone after they've hurt you.

Oh man, it's terrible. So many parts of you (me) can feel violated, and I just want to hold on to my anger until EACH part of me that was hurt has been avenged and then some. Usually, that pay back will never ever ever ever come. Never. I will never get my ex-"boyfriend" to apologize for the however-many-times he cheated on me, and at such specific times in my life; I will never get some of my friends to admit they were really wrong... I will never have that. Never. But it's almost as though that makes me want to hold on more. But, deep down I know that letting go is the only way. Sometimes I pray that God would take those burdens, but I can tell that my prayer isn't really earnest, so how could God take them if I'm not really offering them? Well, he can do whatever he wants but....yeah you get the point.

- Explain how it benefits us to show mercy to others.

Jesus told us that the (second) most important command was to love others as ourselves. So, if we expect mercy, we must and should show mercy to others. Not only that, but showing true mercy (mercy without too many strings attached...as many strings as a human can go WITHOUT attaching) is the only way to find rest in our souls. The only "extinguisher" for the fire that Max described earlier. Mercy is a release - a relief. But, its hard to get there.

- Why do you think God puts such a priority on our willingness to show mercy?

Well, logically I'm feeling like saying that we shouldn't expect that which we aren't willing to exhibit. Jesus told us "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"....(awesome, quote of that for the second time this blog)...and so, if maybe that statement works the other way, "expect done unto yourself as you have done unto others"? Not sure, but seems like it might hold some water. Oh yes and I thought of something else....you see, we CLEARLY don't know the complete story. God knows every though, emotion, situation, conversation, hypothetical conversation, etc that we (or anybody else) ever have. So, how could we truly judge fairly (not show mercy) to those whose story we are so vaguely familiar with compared to how much God is familiar with their story? 

- How should God's mercy to us impact the way we treat others?

A truly thankful heart would just have that reaction. Think about the end of "It's a Wonderful Life" (or is it "wonderful world"? Whatever. The black and white Christmas movie, you know...) where the guy runs around telling everyone thanks for saving his business? (Admittedly I haven't exactly watched the movie in whole, therefore I'm a little hazy on what really happens but I'm pretty sure that is the idea.) So yeah when someone does something nice for you, and you appreciate it, doesn't it or shouldn't it increase your desire to pass it on? Pay it forward? Coke commercial, anybody? Or...that other commercial about this concept? Real-estate or something? Okay am I getting through? Whatever. The point is that if we were grateful for what God gave us, we would want to share it by extending the same to others. 

- In your own words, define judgement without mercy.

We'd all go to hell. As far as human life, we would all hate each other and nobody would be friends. 

- What most often stands in the way of our showing mercy?

Well, anger! Resentment! The unwillingness to let go. Wait, perhaps that is all summed up in the word "pride"? We can't be confidant enough in our own thoughts and decisions - or big enough to apologize for them - to live without holding grudges to those who made us question ourselves. As if it matters. 

- What does showing mercy bring into our lives?

PEACE!!! Oh my gosh. Peace. Release, relief. 

- To whom do I need to show mercy? How?

My ex-boyfriend. I am so angry with him. He hurt me in so many ways. I blame him for so many problems. I need to let go of my blame and focus on God's ability to heal me instead of attempting to rely on anger's ability to justify me. 

-prayer-

Holy Father,

I praise your name. I'm tired and weary and I seek rest in You. Please take away my pride and resentment, anger and resistance, and allow my heart to let go and show me how to, in turn, show mercy. Please forgive me for holding on and help me to find rest in you and not in anger. 

In your most precious and holy name I pray,

Amen. 

Devotionals Intro

Okay, I'm starting!!! Yay!!! 

Every day (fingers crossed) I will do one devotional of some sort. For starters, I'm going to use the ones in Max Ludcado's Devotional Bible. I have started these many times but never gone all the way through. I think this blog might really help me actually finish it. After that...well, is after that so....yeah. 

These particular devotionals are structured so that there is a title, a quote form one of Max Lucado's books, and then a passage from the Bible to read, and then a series of questions. I'll probably type a prayer at the end usually. Okay. Praise God! Enjoy. 

Really, I just like to type stuff rather than simply "think" it.

Once after a terrible break-up, I made a list of things that make me happy with a good friend of mine. The first thing I put on my list was, "Talking to and about God". I was raised a Christian but am faithful by choice. I have always had a fair amount of friends that are on a similar Jesus page, and others who are reading a whole 'nother book (pun? I think yes). When I got to college, I started a bible study at my apartment which consisted of me and a few friends. I really miss having a group of close friends come over once and week and chat about God. When I started dating my wonderful boyfriend, we had some really intriguing discussions about God and I loved it - it was the first time that I'd really talked with a guy about my love for the Lord. It was awesome. Later, I started emailing him my morning devotionals, and that was cool but I totally dropped the ball. Anyway, I'm giving in and starting a blog (or two...) and instead of spending $75 a year on journals and getting writers cramp, I'm going to start typing my devotionals here. On a note I will explore more in my other blog, I really enjoy writing things knowing that there is even the slightest potential that somebody might read it. 

Also, while I am not writing this to evoke arguments or debates, I AM willing to discuss your thoughts if you would like to. However, please remember that this is my blog and I can say whatever I'd like, and so....let's keep the haterade bottled up, cool beans? Muchos garacias.